Where Does Conscious Leadership Start?

by MARK DEFEE, BCC, LPC, Coach & Speaker
2021

My thoughts took me a number of different places, and here is where I landed: I believe conscious leadership starts with regulating our emotions.

This was actually my first year attending the summit, and it didn’t disappoint! The diversity in the speakers and topics was impressive and thought-provoking. Plus we sang “Here Comes the Sun,” one of my son’s favorite songs! I was even fortunate enough to present a session with a few colleagues from Anthem.

However, since the summit I have left Anthem to become a full-time coach and speaker. I greatly enjoyed my 11 years at Anthem. But, I left for one very simple reason. At this stage in my career,

I fear regret more than failure.

I shudder at the idea of me as an old curmudgeon (which I’m inching closer towards everyday) looking back at my life and having the “what if’s” gnaw at me.

• What if I had taken that chance to work for my-self?
• What if I had been ok with failing?
• What if I had created something amazing dedicated to helping others?

So, at 42 years old with a 3 year-old and a 6 month-old, I left a position I had been in for 9 years. It was a good gig too. It came with a nice, stable paycheck, great benefits, opportunity to travel, incredibly fun moments in the role, great bosses & colleagues, etc.

It’s easy walking away from something when there’s not much at stake. It’s incredibly hard to make the decision to leave something comfortable to pursue something uncertain and challenging. At least it was hard for me, especially with a father in-law who is a retired small-business accountant that believes every new business will fail in its first two years.

I’ve only been a solopreneur for a few weeks now. It’s definitely exciting…and scary! Emotions can swing widely, and wildly, requiring a great deal of self-coaching to stay focused, maintain a positive mindset, and make smart decisions grounded in my values and goals.

I’m often coaching myself around the idea that I have two options. I can either give in to my present emotions and make a knee-jerk decision that feels good in the moment.

Or I can choose to experience my immediate emotions consciously, process them, then make a rational decision based on what is most important to me and how I want to show up.

It reminds me of that Zillow commercial where a potential homebuyer, Susan, has different versions of herself around a conference table, and they’re deciding if she should buy a house. There’s Negative Susan, Spontaneous Susan, Paranoid Susan, Anti- social Susan, Helpful Susan, etc.

Every version chimes in, and then the “real” Susan makes her decision. Spoiler alert: she buys the house. Who saw that coming, right?

That commercial is how I now feel every day making decisions about my business. All different emotions chiming in telling me what I should do, and this is where conscious leadership comes in.

We can’t be conscious leaders without first learning how to regulate our emotions, which we know impact our thoughts and our actions.

Regardless of whether you’re an “official” leader, people are always watching and taking note of your actions, your decision-making process, and the values you hold most dear. Then they run those observations through a leadership filter of sorts. They wonder what it would be like for this individual to
lead them.

For example, I remember being on prior work teams where someone would make a comment about another co-worker like, “With their temper, I pray that person never becomes our manager.”

In my experience, the ones who remember that others are always paying attention act in ways that make others want to follow them. They are experts at controlling and channeling their emotions.

This realization alone can help you create that brief pause needed to stop you from making a knee-jerk decision and instead replacing it with a conscious one that better aligns with who you are and how you want to come across.

Here is what works for me: Whenever I experience a negative emotion that is driving my decisions, I start with a short mantra. I tell myself to “Stop. Breathe. Think.” It helps remind me that I have a choice, and I am in control of my emotions. Not the other way around.

That pause might not change what I have to do, such as delivering bad news. But, it might make me think twice about how I want to deliver the message. It affords me the opportunity to be introspective and become fully conscious of what I believe to be the best decision.

I then ask myself a few questions such as:

• Can I clarify what emotion(s) I’m feeling?
• What outcome do I want from this situation?
• What are my options? What are the motivations behind those options?
• How do I want to deliver my message(s)? What tone do I want to strike?
• What might I be missing about the situation?

Noticing our emotions and changing our thoughts around them might feel awkward at first, but it is crucial to our personal growth.

Regulating your emotions is not easy, and nobody is perfect at it. This becomes even harder if you haven’t spent much time practicing it before. You’re fighting against your own brain and the neural pathways that have long driven your current behavior and responses.

But, becoming proficient in identifying your emotions and how they impact your actions is essential to acting as a conscious leader.

Without this skill, you might never reach your full potential, and right now our world needs every conscious leader performing at their very best!

Thank you for a great summit!